Universal Issues: Things That We All Work On
Kit Jones, M.Ed., L.P.C.
_________Copyright 2006. All rights reserved.__________
I have noticed that everyone who comes through the doorway to my counseling office ends up working on two things: communication, both self-talk and communication with others; and setting limits or boundaries, internal and external boundaries, for emotional and physical safety.
The client is taught and encouraged to be mindful of the ego state* that he or she is in at any moment--whether the Critical Parent, Nurturing Parent, Adapted Child, Free Child or computer-like Adult--and to recognize what ego state the person with whom they are communicating is in at that same moment.
Often, we work on developing assertiveness skills in order to communicate to another person when their behavior is problematic to the client. There are some simple techniques that the client can memorize and then use to develop a "script" that she or he can use with others in either personal or business relationships.
The client learns to describe the undesirable behavior and its effects on him- or herself, then to specify the behavior change desired from the other person and the consequences, both positive and negative, that will result, depending upon the response of the other person to the direct request for a specific behavioral change.
This exercise brings together the first two concepts that we began with--communication and boundaries. By communicating directly the specific change that is needed, the client sets a boundary for the other person that says, in effect, "You may not continue with your previous behavior without a negative consequence. If you do as I am asking, our relationship should improve."
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We also work to help the client learn be mindful of what he or she is thinking, feeling, and doing in the present. Counseling work can directly intervene in only one of these processes at any moment.
For example, we may discuss the feelings that the client is experiencing, perhaps fear, anger, loneliness, joy, gratitude, etc. Those feelings will, of course, have thoughts and behaviors associated with them; however, it is important at times to simply allow the client to be aware of what and how she or he is feeling, especially when those feelings have been "stuffed" or ignored for months or even years.
At another time, possibly only moments later, we may discuss the specific negative thoughts that the client is having so as to help him or her reframe those thoughts in such a way that the client can decide upon a specific positive course of action to pursue that is likely to yield more satisfactory results.
At yet other times, we may discuss the client's behavior in specific instances--especially repetitive behavior patterns--that result in less than satisfactory consequences.
Of course, our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors combine in ways that go together...if we are thinking about how proud we are of our accomplishments, we are also feeling happy, and we behave accordingly, perhaps smiling or laughing.
Alternatively, if we are thinking that we have failed at something, we may feel sad or embarrassed, and we may behave by withdrawing from others.
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If an individual arrives at adulthood without the knowledge of his or her value and worthiness to get what he or she needs in life, there is a reason that must be dealt with and corrected so that the person can experience self-acceptance and pride and function well in all his or her circumstances and roles.
Oftentimes growing up, we were taught to believe that our value comes from our performance, rather than from our birthright. Looking at any newborn baby, one can quite clearly see the value that we all have coming into the world, unable to do much of anything. A very wise mentor once said to me, "You are a human being, not a human doing!"
I try hard to teach clients to separate their feelings and thoughts about their deeds from their feelings and thoughts about themselves.
My goal as a therapist is to help clients learn to validate their own reality, to make good decisions for themselves, and to accept themselves as valuable human beings, capable of being in control of their lives so that they will, eventually, no longer require my guidance in order to get their needs and wants met and experience contentment.
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*Dr. Eric Berne mapped interpersonal relationships to the ego-states of the individuals involved: the Parent, Adult, and Child states. He then investigated communications between individuals based on the current state of each. These interpersonal interactions he called transactions; certain patterns of transactions which appeared repeatedly in everyday life he called games. (Wikipedia)